October 13, 2014

Women don't need to become ruthless sharks to get pay they deserve

Women can learn to negotiate with power and confidence.

Last week's comments by Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella only perpetuate a frightening theme I've seeing women struggle for 20 years: the undervalue epidemic.

It's so common yet overlooked. It is one of the hardest sins to cure and sabotages the most careers. If you don't know how to ask for what you want and negotiate what you rightfully deserve, you'll never reach your true professional potential.

The first step is to believe you have value, bring value and are valuable. If you don't believe it with every fiber of your being, no one else will either. It may take some time, and you may need someone else to hold up the mirror to help you see your value, but it's worth it.

The goal is not to negotiate like a ruthless shark. The goal is to really understand your value, become more assertive and go after what you want versus merely accepting what's offered to you.

Part of the problem is that women are never taught how to effectively negotiate, and don't do it very often. They fear walking into a negotiation and assertively standing their ground, because they don't want to be perceived as the “B-word.” Women are also notorious for committing the “Disastrous Triple-D.” Women routinely, and often subconsciously, downplay, dismiss and diminish their accomplishments. It's very difficult to negotiate for more money if you describe what you've done as “no big deal” or “anyone could have done that.”

It may not happen overnight, but it will happen with some practice and a heavy dose of confidence.

Here are 12 tips for women who want to practice their negotiating skills:

1. Be yourself. Don't be an angel in the office, and then all of a sudden show up as a devil in the negotiating room. Nothing is more off-putting or confusing to a boss or hiring manager than having your alter-ego do the negotiating for you.

2. Get a goal. Know what you're trying to achieve before the negotiation even begins.

3. Know your bottom line. Figure out ahead of time how low you'll go and when you'll walk away from that new job or opportunity.

4. Be realistic. Do your homework and set realistic expectations. If you know the position only pays $100K, then getting $250K is probably not going to happen.

5. Script it out. Everyone gets flustered and nervous in stressful situations, so scripting out what you want to say beforehand, and practicing saying those words can make all the difference.

6. Anticipate objections. Proactively think about any and all reasons why the other person would say “no” and plan your responses accordingly.

7. Bring alternatives. Come prepared with your first choice, your ideal outcome, but also bring alternatives to keep the conversation going until you reach a successful compromise.

8. Avoid emotion. Tom Hanks said, “There's no crying in baseball” and there is also no crying in negotiations. Keep your emotions in check and save the tears or squeals of joy for the bathroom afterwards. This is when you need a poker face.

9. Practice makes perfect. Don't expect to be a negotiating guru if you only do it once every few years. It takes practice. Go to a garage sale and practice negotiating for junk before you try to negotiate for something more meaningful.

10. Seek support. It takes a village to raise a child, and it can also take a village of support and encouragement to raise an assertive woman. Rallying support of your efforts is an effective way to create accountability. There's no backing out and no retreat.

11. Think of a third person. Women can find negotiating for themselves painful and difficult, but thinking of who else would benefit from a successful outcome is often the motivation they need to get the job done.

12. Celebrate success. Instead of thinking of negotiating as an all or nothing proposition, find a way to celebrate what you did gain.

The reality is that women don't like to ask, and would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than negotiate a higher starting salary, a bigger raise, or a more advanced promotion. Not negotiating is not an option, and it will ultimately end up killing their careers. It's time to pull on those “big-girl panties” and learn how to negotiate with power and confidence.

Aimee Cohen is a career coach and author of “Woman UP! Overcome the 7 Deadly Sins that Sabotage Your Success.”