January 19, 2011

The Client Coach: When thoughts undermine work relationships

We humans have some pretty amazing sensory capabilities. They are so exceptional that I would dare relate them to a couple of sensory superstars from the animal kingdom. Consider the buzzard. A buzzard's sense of sight is so keen it can see small rodents from a height of 15,000 feet. And did you know that a catfish has 100,000 taste buds compared to our measly 10,000? Imagine what a piece of tiramisu would be like if we had the taste capacity of a catfish!

Despite their uncanny senses, neither the buzzard nor the catfish have anything on us when it comes to perceiving the attitudes and actions of other people. For example, some of us can sense an insecure person almost at the moment of eye contact. And it doesn't stop at insecurity. Arrogance, insincerity, prejudice, underhandedness — the list could become quite extensive. Whatever the attitude, thought or feeling, we have the receptors to pick it out. No words are necessary.

I once had an engineer tell me, “Engineering would be a whole lot more fun if it weren't for people!” I cracked up laughing but he didn't even blink — he was dead serious. While his sentiment might have been a little too honest, I think we can all relate.

Dealing with difficult people can suck the joy right out of a great engineering project — or any service or interaction for that matter. But if you're in the professional services business, your survival depends upon an ability to get along with all kinds of people, including people that are rude, arrogant, hostile or unreasonable. It can be a big challenge.

So how can we make things a bit easier?

First, take responsibility for your own thoughts about others, particularly the kinds of people referred to by our engineering friend. Consider it a red flag when you cynically stereotype certain people or disciplines and think “they're all just alike.” It might seem unfair to ask you to assume responsibility for someone else's rude behavior, but we do control more of how people respond toward us than we'd like to admit.

Remember this: people respond to us primarily based on how we're thinking about them. It's naïve to think that just because you don't actually say something, you haven't conveyed your attitude. You don't always need words to get into a shouting match. Some of the loudest shouts occur sans decibels.

Second, open up space in your brain for more positive thoughts about people — particularly those you find difficult. Go on a scavenger hunt for their good qualities. Make the effort to learn more about them on a personal level: their interests, hobbies, life experiences. Be inquisitive. Show interest.

Obviously you'll have to wait for the right moment and setting, but when the opportunity arises, seize it. You'll be amazed to learn how “human” they really are once you get to know them. Your newly found knowledge will give you critical insights that will lead to a better understanding and an even better attitude.

Third, control your thoughts about yourself. Often the thoughts we entertain about ourselves are so deeply imbedded that we react involuntarily without being consciously aware. It's like having a severe case of mental or emotional hiccups! Thoughts like these are the hardest to recognize and then change.

Some of the most notorious are thoughts of our own inadequacy or insecurity. These can be most problematic in our relationships because of their inherent tendencies. One tendency is to overcompensate, which invariably makes other people uncomfortable, more aggressive or causes them to lose interest in us. Another tendency is to display arrogance, which is nothing more than a cover-up for deep seated insecurity.

The result of both leads to resentment and anger, feelings about ourselves but often transferred to others in various forms such as impatience, cynicism and prejudice. It's hard to be happy with others when you're unhappy with yourself.

Improved relationships originate in your thoughts so think more positively about yourself and others. Work hard at building bridges by discovering the good side that exists in every person. (Yes, you may have to work a little harder for some.) Remember that people are extremely intuitive, and have a keen sense for detecting any negative attitude you may have toward them. Don't let these thoughts undermine your need to relate to all kinds of people. Otherwise important relationships will end up as leftovers fit only for buzzards and catfish!

Previous columns:

• The Client Coach: A/E/C firms: Are you a partner or a vendor?, 12-08-2010
• The Client Coach: Pricing: Are you selling yourself short?, 11-10-2010
• The Client Coach: Are your services becoming a commodity?, 10-20-2010
• The Client Coach: Price wars bad for professional services, 09-22-2010
• The Client Coach: Relationships get you through tough times, 09-08-2010
• Tough love for a tough economy, 08-25-2010
• The Client Coach: How to turn a prospect into a client, 07-19-2006
• The Client Coach: How to pick your best sales team, 07-05-2006